yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
