I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
