my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Everything about him screamed your future.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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