He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
