I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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