I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
