She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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