he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
