Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
