So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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