my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
