I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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