I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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