So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Everyone says I win the strip club
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
