How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
