it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
