When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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