Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
