Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Four minutes until I can fart!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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