Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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