yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
third nipple confirmed
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
