well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
