The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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