I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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