Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Everything about him screamed your future.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Randomize
