god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
