You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
