I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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