i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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