I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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