It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
