Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
