Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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