Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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