next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize