I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
