The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize