I wanna bring you to show and tell
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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