I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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