When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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