I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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