meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize