I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
