champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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