she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
