News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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