i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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