mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize
