why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
