Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
