# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
