My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize