You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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