At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
