So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
