I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
