he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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