im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
