fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
